Carl Bunso elects not to run for office

by Carl Bunso

 

A lot of you in Bunso Nation have been asking when Carl Bunso is going to throw his hat in the ring and officially announce he is running for office as a city councillor. I thank you for your support and I had intended to have a press conference tomorrow announcing my candidacy, but in the last few days I’ve been re-thinking it and have actually decided I’ll not be running.

I know you are disappointed but please still vote there are other worthy, albeit less sexy, candidates. If it makes you feel any better, I have a dang good reason for not running.

I wasn’t scared of the hard work. Heck no, I made my money the hard way – flipping houses in Bagot over the last 30 years. It wasn’t easy.

I wasn’t scared of learning curve. Listen, Carl Bunso doesn’t have a learning curve. I learn in a straight line like a red-blooded country boy should.

It wasn’t even the scandalous “GooseGate” when I lost my temper with a goose on the path and strangled it. I didn’t know the kids from the day care were out for a walk. I made a mistake and the goose lovin’ public has forgiven me.

Nope, I decided not to run because I am scared I’d get caught. Over the last few days as I’ve been taking a long look in the mirror I realized there are things I do which I don’t want anyone to know about. If I run for office people will eventually find out Carl Bunso is a guy who, when he is sloshing out the gravy always makes sure a little lands in his own pocket.

For example, I once worked in fast food joint. It was made pretty clear we were not supposed to sneak any food. But, I’m the kind of guy who if he has a chance to sneak a burger or two when no one is looking, I’ll chow down. Doesn’t bother my conscience I’m technically eating a burger which isn’t mine. In fact, when you think about it I kind of deserve the burger because…well I am not really sure why I feel that way but I deep down do.

Another time, I unloaded trucks at a warehouse with a group of guys on the night shift. At first it surprised me what those guys would do. Each of them would take a box of product home with them every night and the guy in charge would turn the other way. I thought it was weird but eventually you realize you are the poor guy doing all the work and the guy with the money is sitting at home so why not take a little for your hard work. He wont miss it and it is small compensation for all the work you are doing to help him get ahead.

Don’t think for a moment it was an easy choice. I had such good slogans: “Carl Bunso….because it’s time to get off the Ferris wheel.” Or, “Carl Bunso….unchain both this city and my love”. But I just can’t do it. I am a guy who if given the choice between acting for the good of the people and feathering his own nest will drown himself in a sea of feathers. If the chance came to shoe horn a little gravy for council into a sure-fire by-law you’d hear my affirmative vote all the way to the splash pad…all the way to the back booth at CHUS – A – TREAT….a long way from city hall is what I’m saying.

So you can see my problem. I’m not really worried about my lack of integrity – I’m worried about getting caught. If I become a city councilor my self-interest would be on display for all to see and eventually someone would start a petition(idemnity bylaw petition). I like my self-interest being kept under the radar – 100% of the time.

Thank you for reading this.  I hope they let me write again.

 

Editors note:  After Carl’s last submission (Chance NOT to Play Story) in which he advocated the helping of the more fortunate we have warned him he must never poke fun at privilege again.  As an editorial board we feel this work falls under the definition of self-deprecating sarcasm and mentions Chus-a-treat and the metropolis of Bagot so we have voted to publish this.  If Carl had let his name stand, The Hoop and Holler would have fully endorsed him, and had the slogans, “Honk if you love Bunso” and “Bunso, sticking his neck out for Portage” ready to roll out to combat the goose issue.  Later in the campaign we would have rolled out “Portage, a pee stop of possibilities” to seal his victory.  Thankfully, we will not have to endure complaints about the political incorrectness of our slogans and candidate since neither will be spoken of again.

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2 Responses

  1. Jonathan

    All kidding aside, I do hope the Hoop and Holler will throw its endorsement behind one of the perhaps younger members of the city standing for council. Or at least provide a platform to share ideas, mixed with good ol’fashioned Portage humour.

    I nominate Melissa Draycott!

    Reply
  2. Howie

    To all of the people running for council.
    Our current leader has on his platform to endorse the PCU…good for him. I call bologna.
    When late spring and early summer arrives the City takes out the ice in every facility in Portage (I understand the BDO because of its age and lack of efficiency). They can however keep one sheet of ice in the PMR just like they did the first year of operation. They won’t do it again because they said it wasn’t used enough and it was a flop.
    Sources tells me It costs something like $20k to run the ice for the summer.
    There are a lot of groups here in Portage and from other centers who would rent the ice.
    It never happened before because it was poorly managed by the people in charge at the time. It was never advertised anywhere. There are so many groups traveling to Morden from Winnipeg every summer to rent their ice at a third of the price they find in Winnipeg. Portage is closer to Winnipeg than Morden so why not advertise it on websites like “ice bay” etc. Bring people in from out of town to use the facility and they will likely spend some of their money at our other businesses here. Maybe after playing a game of hockey they might want to go for a swim at Splash Island since they are still there or just stopping at Tim’s for a coffee for the drive home, who knows the possibilities. By keeping the ice in it would help a little with the unemployed stats by keeping the ice maintenance staff on the payroll all year. It would also give our local kids an option to stay skating all year if they choose to do so. Not all kids play baseball or soccer and not all play hockey either. But most do enjoy public skating or play a little shinny with their friends at sticks and pucks. It gives them an opportunity to be on the ice and stay out of trouble because of nothing to do. It also could possibly help kids stay off of the video games a little more and fight the summer time bulge by staying fit.
    It was said in a movie once ” build it and they will come”!
    Well we built a $54million facility that runs for 10 months because it shuts down for the summer.
    Let’s give them a proper chance to “come” and advertise it!!
    Just my two cents!
    So which ever City council candidates is in favor of this, you have my vote.
    Cheers and good luck.

    Reply

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